


lost again (and barely started)

by verbanski



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 02:51:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4902742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verbanski/pseuds/verbanski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a choice, once made, cannot be undone</p>
            </blockquote>





	lost again (and barely started)

**Author's Note:**

> for gin, may the ocean of your tears dry into a hearty supply of never ending salt

She finds out she has a choice –

live or die, fight or run.

 _Let me die fighting_ , she pleads and she hopes they take mercy on her soul.

(she doesn’t realize until later that this _was_ their repentance, that the gods gave her a second chance and she chose to go through with the same one that landed her here, regardless)

(she would do it a third, were she granted the chance)

 

-

 

She meets Laura Hollis the same way she does the first time, a flurry of papers and tangled limbs, but she has the mind to tug on the shorter girl’s arm to keep her upright and not crashing unceremoniously onto the floor.

Laura ends up pressed against Danny looking more like she was just saved from falling into the depths of the Grand Canyon instead of a carpeted floor that wouldn’t do more than give her difficulty sitting properly for a few days. Regardless, she wraps an arm around her firmly, something to reaffirm Laura that she won’t fall so long as Danny’s got a hold of her.

She mostly feels Laura’s nod of affirmation rather than her stammered _yeah, I think so_ , when Danny asks if she’s alright by name.

The other girl is confused until Danny points out the class roster amongst the papers that are scattered around them and Laura mumbles something about _of course_ and _TA_ and _duh_ and it’s hard to act like she’s just met her when this is such a typical _Hollis_ thing to do.

Danny chooses to take pity on her though, bending over to pick up a copy of the syllabus and quickly scribbling out her name and cell phone number on it before handing it to Laura. It stops her rambling short and the small gesture allows her to relax enough to stay firmly inside Danny’s personal space.

She takes the small victory for what it is, decides to not press her luck too early on and mentions a meeting that doesn’t start for another half hour but if Laura ever needs anything to just call and Danny will do her best.

(it should be noted that danny runs before she has a chance to do something she’ll regret)

 

-

 

She gets a text later that evening:

_hey, made it thru my first day in one piece! sry again for running into u. thanks again for catching me :)_

If only she knew how many times Danny has caught her already – how many more times she is willing to and would still not complain about how weary her body grows from the constant exertion, even if she was doomed from the start.

 

-

 

Elsie is still missing, Betty still disappears, as do Natalie and Sarah Jane, and Carmilla is still as boneheaded as she remembers – she finds that some things are inevitable in any world and the unfortunate truth about the history of Silas University is one of them. It would seem that Wednesday night pie dates also falls under this category of inevitability.

(how her heart beats a little faster when laura is around is another, though she admits she may be bias on this one)

This time around, everything seems _less_ and this girl sitting in front of her, with big eyes and bigger dreams, seems to be _more_. Everything is the same but somehow, everything she notices about Laura resonates tenfold.

Absentmindedly, Danny wonders if the things she notices now were there to begin with – did her eyes always light up when she saw Danny, did she always want to tell Danny about her day, did she always care this much?

(did _danny_ always care this much)

She decides the answers don’t really matter; at the very least not within the confines of Silas, not when Laura is looking at her like that again after she’s gone so long looking past her to someone else.

 

-

 

She turns off the camera earlier this time, after a couple of hours and when she decides to coax Laura into eating a salad for dinner so she can have this time alone before pointing out that Carmilla is their missing link.

She has no clue if this will last and she has no intention of manipulating the situation into her favor despite the ease in which she could, but she just wants to have their time alone to last a little longer than it did before. A little chance to have the girl without the rest of the world weighing down on her shoulders and a need for Danny to shoulder that weight for her.

It’s only a small piece, she convinces herself, that it’s okay to be a little selfish and keep prying eyes away from what little solace they’ve created amongst just the two of them.

 

-

 

Danny eases her way through the next weeks, subtly righting her grievances and her misjudgments without drawing too much attention to herself. She ends up in the right places at the right times, explained away by late night jogs around campus to clear her mind and the occasional odd errand she has to run for the Summer Society. 

The lodge retains all its wooden furniture in one piece with Danny feeling less of a need to carry half a dozen stakes with her everywhere she goes, Laura’s dutifully working on her final paper intermittently when her investigation goes by smoother with less turmoil around campus, she saves Sarah Jane from jumping, and Carmilla isn’t kept prisoner for days, so much as she is interrogated for a couple hours before she tells the truth. 

She simply guides Laura along the right path and allows the other girl to reach her own conclusions, make her own opinions. 

Still, there are inescapable fates no matter what timeline they are in because although she is no longer so overbearing that Laura looks at Danny and sees her father, she is also not the one Laura looks at and sees a future. 

(inevitable still is that she knew where she stood and true to form, her traitorous heart paid no attention)

 

-

  

Everything falls easily into place like how she remembers after that. 

Danny feels the weariness creep back into her bones and she grows more tired than angry whenever she has to confront Carmilla. The wide berth she’s given seems to bore her though, content to have Laura to herself instead of having to prove she’s worthy at every turn, so there’s not really any bite to her bark.

(she _chose her_ again – _she_ did everything right this time and she respects that this was never hers to keep) 

By the time Lafontaine goes missing, Danny has already made up her mind and when the Dean takes Laura, she hands Carmilla an ultimatum while standing in the doorway of her dorm room instead of arguing with her like the first time. 

It’s simple.

 _Go get her or I will_. 

The next time she sees Carmilla, she’s jumping into the light with a shining sword and Laura is already in her arms, safely away from the edge of the dark abyss Camilla falls into. 

 

- 

 

“She’s alive,” is all Danny says before she fades away.

  

-

 

Danny chooses to stay behind, she doesn’t flee nor is she asked to leave. She would have chosen to stay anyways, if the question was asked.

(if she was wanted elsewhere)

 

 -

  

She can’t save everyone – it would seem that is another thing that hasn’t changed.

Danny isn’t Atlas, she reminds herself, the world doesn’t actually fall on her shoulders no matter how heavy they seem to be. She’s not Atlas, _no_ , but she looks into the empty eyes of a fellow student that never knew and wishes that she could be.

Perhaps she should have asked for more, before she chose to soothe her own ego first.

 

-

 

Her failures that stare back at her take a larger toll on her than she thought they would. Truth be told, Danny never thought this far when this began again and it’s only now that she remembers how difficult it was to keep the student body safe when she didn’t know what was coming. Now that she’s one step ahead, it doesn’t get any easier trying to keep up with it all.

Danny’s so busy trying to save the AV club kids from some manic pixies that are terrorizing the north quad, she forgets that Laura is supposed to be back on campus by now until she’s ungraciously summoned to the old foreign faculty mansion by Mel. 

Lafontaine directs them to the living room where she can see Kirsch and Theo already waiting. She fast forwards to the part where they call a ceasefire on the gut feeling that she wouldn’t be able to stomach Laura’s claims of grandeur on Carmilla’s behalf when she’s been trying so, _so_ hard to keep this campus from falling apart. 

And maybe it’s because she’s exhausted but Danny’s anger dissipates when Laura’s eyes meet her own, something like a smile gracing her lips as if she trusts Danny to always do the right thing in her place. 

(the plain truth is that she was weak long before she grew tired) 

 _I’m glad you’re safe_ , she says this time, no longer sure she wishes Laura back amidst this chaos.

 

- 

 

If it’s selfish to stay away from Laura and focus her efforts on cleaning up around campus, she refuses to acknowledge it as such. Danny reasons it away as looking out for the greater good, for trying to do what Laura has accused them of failing to do while she was gone and their savior away, with her. 

She’s doing the right thing. 

If her heart is saved a little less aching then it’s only a happy coincidence and Danny is willing to take any additional break they are willing to grant her after already giving her so much. Besides it’s not so hard, if anything it gets easier to do what Laura asks of her when it comes time to pick a volunteer for student representative on the Board of Governors.

 

 

-

 

(she doesn’t get to hold a heartbroken laura in her arms this time around) 

(she hasn’t figured out whether she did it for laura’s sake or her own just yet)

 

-

 

The arrow grazes her flank instead of going through Carmilla’s chest and the Zetas and the Summer Society have managed to find a common ground that doesn’t involve anyone going on a murderous rampage or through a near death experience. 

Her side hurts like hell when she breathes a little too deeply but her quick bandaging work is holding up underneath two layers of shirts and a sweater. Kirsch asks if there’s something wrong because she’s looking a little pale in the face but she manages to shake him off by blaming a twenty-four hour bug that will be gone tomorrow. 

This time when their patrol group comes by the mansion, most of the lights are out and when she hangs behind this time it’s to ask if Carmilla is okay. Laura smiles then, big and wide like she used to on Wednesday nights, and gets a far off look in her eyes and says she’s coming around, she thinks. 

 _I’m glad_ , she says before she walks out and she finds she means it more than she thought she would. 

 

- 

 

“knock, knock”

“hey Danny – is this another patrol?” 

“oh, no, I come bearing apples, thought you could use some fresh fruit for a change” 

“you’re a _godsend_ Danny Lawrence, this tastes like heaven” 

“I do what I can” 

“don’t get me wrong, I love all of this but did you just come by to bring me apples?” 

“ah, yeah, I was, uh, taking these to the diner and I thought you’d like first pick before a bidding war or an angry mob gets started over them” 

“aw, thanks, Danny, that really means a lot to me” 

“yeah, it’s no big – I’d do anything for you, you know that, Hollis”

  

-

 

Danny doesn’t let Laura tell Mattie’s secret this time, although on second thought she’s not even sure if Camilla has divulged that information now that their relationship seems to be kept in tact; it’s safer to nip that possibility in the bud before it comes to fruition, anyways.

They come up with a plan to get _something_ to deal with Vordenberg, to stop Mattie and she tries to brainstorm ways to save her sisters before they meet their untimely demise to distract them. Anything they come up seems as futile as it was before and all Danny can really do right now is pray that what she’s done thus far is enough to sway the stitches of time.

 

-

 

She comes an hour earlier than they did last time but the effort is all in vain – her sisters’ bodies are laid out like bloody trophies of battles valiantly lost.

 

-

 

Danny begs Mattie this time, nearly gets down on her hands and knees and grovels for the reason why her sisters are dead when they were innocent and why so many have had to suffer for the convoluted motivations of a mother long lost.

She doesn’t make it to her knees but she does beseech the vampire to hear their cause, knowing that Vordenberg is the one at fault and all of them, including Mattie, are merely pawns in a game they don’t know the rules to. That _yes_ , Danny believes her when she says that she didn’t kill the newspaper students who snooped too far and when Mattie assures them she has blood on her hands but not of Danny’s sisters that were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 _I believe you_ , she says broken and cold and almost completely hopeless. She has nothing left to lose anymore that she can control and if she must go soon, she needs to do something that can help when she’s gone.

Mattie knows _something_ that they need to lay this chaos to rest and if she can’t see this through, Danny has to leave _some way_ for them to make it through.

(she doesn’t know what happens next and she can only hope this time is enough)

 _I believe you_ , Danny says again, _but I don’t know what else I can do._

(help me save you and your sister and the rest of mine)

 

-

 

Danny barely believes it when Mattie finds her when she’s on her own and agrees to a precarious truce on the grounds of defeating a common enemy. That solemn agreement is the most concrete thing she gets out of the vampire, all she gets after that is ‘ _I’ll handle it’_ and a puff of smoke.

 

-

 

Nothing changes.

The villagers still riot, a literal war still breaks out, Danny is still at the front lines of it all, fighting like she doesn’t know what’s going to happen.

The only difference she’s aware of is that when she turns around to face Theo with a knife in her back, she sees a blur pull him away and hears a choked noise ripped from his throat as his body hits a nearby wall.

 

-

 

“I’m sorry,” she grits out, the pain more acute as she flips over to better face Laura, “please don’t worry about me.”

She seeks out Laura’s hand, the one holding onto her so tightly, as if she could keep Danny here through sheer force of will alone. Danny forces her thumbs to ghost over white knuckles as steady as she can manage, forces a smile that looks easier than it feels.

( _laura, laura, laura_ )

“Don’t give up, okay?”

( _laura, laura_ )

“I mean it, all of it.”

( _laura_ )

“It’s worth it.” 

( _you_ are)

 

-

 

She has a choice –

she chooses her.


End file.
